[L. 25 | 32] 9 February 1963

Many thanks for your kind letter heaving a sigh of relief at my recovery. The change, in fact, seems to be definitive, and came about almost as abruptly as the onset of the original condition. The stimulation, actually, remains; it seems to vary with the state of my guts and the time of day; but it no longer presents itself as specifically erotic—it is something like a desire to micturate. The recovery, that is to say, is mental rather than physical (though perhaps that will follow), and the severity and stability of the condition while it persisted was due in part to its being a vicious circle of addiction. Like all vicious circles it was not easy to break out of, and the best that I could do was temporary forcible suppression by opposing the thought of suicide. Only by a radical improvement in mental concentration which is indifferent alike to sensuality and suicide, was it possible to escape from it.

The improvement in mental concentration has not kept up (I cannot expect very much in my present condition), but I have not fallen back into the vicious circle. Of course, so long as the stimulation remains it is a danger to me, as a constant invitation to return; and there may arise fresh difficulties in the future with possible re-infections of amoebiasis; but at the moment all is well. Naturally, I am still not enamoured of life, and I continue to hope for a not-too-painful death in the not-too-distant future; but, with the exception of the prospect of a visit to the dentist in a few days' time, I no longer feel immediately suicidal.